I know you're hurting and so am I. It seems ridiculous that we should punish ourselves for doing what comes naturally, but there it is. Anyway, know that I'm with you through all this, and that letting go is probably the hardest and the best thing we could do for each other. Peace.

I can't asleep again so I'll drag up the old remedy : writing. I think it's time that I recap the last few months, bag them up and put them aside so I can move on.

These have not been easy months. While my friends have been busy getting on with their lives I've been stuck in a kind of limbo, practicing and wondering if I should be doing something more. I haven't figured this out yet. These have also been lonely months, partly because I've isolated myself and partly because I haven't sought out what little company was available. I haven't really figured this out either. I don't know if my decisions have made me an irrevocably unlikable person, or if i'm just bad at it. And after all this time of trying to decide what to do with my life the only conclusion I can come to is a resounding I don't know.

I am excited to leave, but the reason I haven't been sleeping is that I know I'm going to lose my last few precious connections with the human world. I don't know why this is so unsettling, but it is keeping me up. On the other hand, I have much to be grateful for - my friends, my work, and the musicians who were magnanimous enough to help me on my way. I suppose it isn't a plan, but it's something.

Maybe I needed this slow dissolution. It's helped me sort out some priorities. Maybe I'll be able to really start afresh in New York.

I haven't figured this out yet.

Still, there are people who deserve a little recognition - friends (quek, lee, anna, d, and wang; bo and abby; rayner and zh; jon, ben and yizhe, nick) and musicians (andrew lim, andrew klein, weixiang, rick, aya, wen and nicky) - i really want out of this country, but I wish i didn't have you leave you all behind.