I know you, you know me

One thing I can tell you is you got to be free!

A bit late for Beatlemania

This would've been so much cooler if I could've done it 40 years ago when the whole world was doing it too. Now I just get ridiculous looks on the MRT because i'm headbanging to 'Drive my Car' instead of oh, Akon or something. At least, I think they're ridiculous looks because I feel silly inside. But the music will not let go!

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's alright.

adam

New Guitar

On track with the New Things trend we've been seeing, I finally caved and bought another guitar - partly cos my crappy cheap strat is starting to fall apart, and partly just for the heck of it. I managed to find a red Gibson '61 reissue SG at guitar connection, and immediately fell in love.

I won't gush about it here because only two people probably in my entirely hypothetical readership (i'm not quite convinced any of you exist anymore - my blog is an exercise in solipsism) would understand what I mean by 'the pickups are just the right temperature' and I DON'T mean they were toasted for eight and a half minutes before installation.

So - quite a bit poorer now, have to figure out how to use this thing (it's NOT the same...) and I'm accepting bids for names. Although I'll probably ignore all suggestions anyway. Hypothetical names are okay too.

adam

I'm (mostly) back from my temporary brush with insanity, with the help of a few friends and four englishmen who happened to be called the Beatles. I guess this is a bit (very) late to be realising, but having listened to some(not enough) of the canon of popular music in this century, this must be the most sacred music ever to grace the realms of human creation. It isn't perfect music, but it is hallowed in every sense of the word that means anything to human beings.

adam

Sparrow

Desdemona brought me a dead sparrow this morning - at some level I deeply enjoy being the recipient of these animal sacrifices.

adam

Stupidity

I have become the connoisseur of stupidity. I have seen it in every possible form, and naked in its Platonic manifestation. The stupidity of others has confounded, frustrated, awed and bewildered me. But no stupidity is ever as all-encompassing, as immense, as brilliant and diaphanous and unstained as my own. This particular time I have outdone myself by leagues by the simplicity, the humility, the selflessness... the sheer purity of the act. For a few minutes there I was a man transmogrified like Jesus on the hilltop into the very incarnation of stupidity, made beautiful by surrendering my entire soul to its all-consuming force.

adam

Loneliness

is not a philosophical problem - it's a biological reaction. I feel like my responses have been hijacked by chemicals - but that's an illusion - my responses aren't much more than chemicals. I just wish there was something I could do about it.

adam

Sanctuary

After the week of non-commitments and half-eaten fantasies, it's nice to be back in the real world. I put on 'Sanctuary' from Miles's Bitches Brew album, and realiset that that was what I'd been needing all week.

adam

Hey ho, let's go.

This is going to be one of those intractable posts about my continuing inability to be at peace with the world. Incidentally, I'm at the mess computer in camp and it's been a long week.

My capacity for responsibility has worn thin. I've pretty much stopped caring about anything that happens in the army, for the good reason that it's mind-crushingly pointless. But I used to be able to do my job... and I consider that one of the attributes a non-useless person must have in this world. I am slowly losing my grip on non-uselessness. Don't get me wrong, I love my men, but it's a different sort of relationship with them, mostly based on trading insults and comparing penis sizes - not all in all a fulfilling existence. I miss having a real conversation. I miss talking for hours about pointless (but interesting) philosophical quibbles. I miss not having to walk around in a protective shell made out of belligerence. And I've resorted to more and more outlandish (and often destructive) ways of coping with this.

I mean, this is truly pathetic, that I can't seem to handle a little thing like this without becoming self-destructive. It was alright when I was just content with destroying my body. But that barely seems like enough now - I fear I've started to play games with my mind and my heart that no sane person would attempt. It is worrying.

On the dubious upside, I know I should make it through alive. My family is composed some of the most arrogant, stubborn people on this planet. And I won't give up even if (and especially if) it kills me. I just hope I don't drag too many people down on the way.

So - bring it on, motherfuckers.

adam