"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
- Ecclesiastes 1:2

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me.
- Ecclesiastes 2:17

i guess i've had time to re-examine my value systems.
I'm not a good person by far... I really have no spiritual qualms about lying, cheating, vandalism and various forms of petty larceny... The reason i'm not a criminal is because I can't deal with the consequences. Does that make a person virtuous? That on it's own isn't half as disturbing as the fact that i'm not disturbed by this at all.

I don't believe in anything. I guess I'm a bona fide cynic that way. Nothing moves me. I don't believe in happiness. I don't believe in love.

I don't even like people.

I believe in God, but I believe even more that the people who also believe in God are sometimes the most screwed up.

Sometimes I think I only wake up to thank God for the fact that I can lie to people about how much I dislike them and how unhappy I am. I hope that isn't true. I hate myself for the fact that I have no justification to be miserable. Life hasn't been bad for me.

I guess you could say something for the purity of my dislike for everyone... like Iago's evil, it is motive-less and enigmatic. It isn't hate, not at all. I wouldn't, for example, suicide bomb a building to alleviate my discomfort. It's just a certain feeling I get in the mornings that the world is out to get me. It is not a noble lust for vengeance, or a tragically misguided hatred for all living things. It is a limp, futile dislike, an annoyance and an irritation.

I am twisted and perverted in that way. Honesty is what I value most in other people. I feel sometimes that the worst way to insult someone is to be conciliatory. People should have their feelings out at one another. The highest good is to be honest with yourself about what you are... lie to others, not yourself. Sometimes it means you face something terrible and ugly, a brooding monstrous gloom. The people who tell me we are fighting a 'spiritual war' against wordly temptations are idiots. I am my first demon.

adam